Oh boy.

I haven't posted in awhile.

I think I might be suffering a little depression.

In fact I know I am.

Aarons behavior was getting worse, so I took him to his psychiatrist, and she gave him new meds. They toned him down but also made him a little robotic, and I didn't like that so we talked about the idea of him going to stay with my mom for a bit.
The doctors seem to think it is ok and my mom jumped all over it.

So Aaron has moved up with my mom and dad. He is enrolled in school and is going to have a check up and scans and is going to be seeing a therapist and psychiatrist there as well.
And of course I feel lilke a total failure as a parent. Don't try giving me the reasoning bit and so on. I know already.
Trust me. You know me. You know how I break things down and blah blah blah. I have rationalized the whole thing into the ground.
Doesn't change how I feel.
I feel like I have broken a promise I was never ever ever supposed to break. A promise that was broken on me that caused me serious pain for a good amount of time.
And I can't take it back.

Aaron seems fine.
He is loving it. He gets all the attention and my mom takes him to the store and buys him things and basicly spoils him.
So not only have I lost him, but I haven't improved on his situation at all. Eventually mom will get a little strung out on the constant pandering and will try to lay down the law and that is when the shit will hit the fan. And then she will get fed up and angry and resentful and his situation will be no differant.
It needed to start out with him having a rigid system and solid boundaries and instead it started like a dream vacation getaway so any chances of successfully implementing new rules or enforcing standing rules has already been eroded.
But nobody listens to us.
Obviously I don't know what is right or I wouldn't have shipped him off. If I could be a good parent then I wouldn't have sent him away to be someone elses problem.
An odd bit, noone worries if Christian is doing ok. Just never seems to come up.
I'm sure someone will mention it after this entry though.

I am going to need some therapy.
The world is startng to cave in a little bit.
This is a not so pleasant little mis-adventure for me. I am slowing down some at work, losing some motivation. The pizza job is turning into a total grind, and I can't seem to put the brakes on some of my short sighted spending issues that I would like to change. So that problem means I have to keep working two jobs and that in itself is feeding some of my other issues and making them seem much worse because now I hardly even have time to think about how to correct them let alone actually correct them.
I have to put some financial stuff on the front burner. Chipping away at money in little bits is still frivolous spending and that is not only useless, but also annoying once you catch yourself doing it again, KNOWING it is something you don't want to do.

I am.....seriously starting to slide into the grey . And I don't like it much.
There seems to be just enough stuff to make me feel overwhelmed and at that point I just withdraw to a point where I can not think about all of this, and then of course end up not doing anything.
And that is when mistakes happen. You stop making your best effort toward your responsibilities and they start slipping away and causing you even larger problems. Those problems compound the existing situation and the snowball gets big enough that it is intimidating and it's momentum is rather forceful. So even when you get the nerve up to stand in front of it, arms outstretched, there is a really good chance it could roll right over you.
I'll work on it.
See what I can do.
I'll pop in here again sooner.