Well it's working for the most part.

I figured I owuld have been toast by now but it hasn't fallen apart yet.  The whole single dad thing isn't killing me exactly.

I am tired as hell to be sure. Most days I feel like mud covered ass that's been drug up one side of a raging river bank and down the other.  But my head is still above water.

My uncle Dennis has passed away.  I didn't get to go to the funeral. Most of you know how I am about death. It is inevitable. Noone gets away. And we all get to find out eventually what happens, no matter what. So Joe told me he was really sick and that he was going to go soon. I thought I was ok with it until Joe called me and told me he was gone.

I was driving and it sucked so bad. I almost pulled over but I had to get the boys from bay base,(afterschool care) and I didn't think I could pull it off and cry like a bee-atch at the same time.  I wasn't ready. And I don't talk about him much.

But he'll never know how important he was in my head. He had a place in my head I don't take many people. It's just kind of mine. I don't really need to share it. Mostly I share stuff so my friends and family know where I am coming from or where I stand. The place he was in was kind of just my place.  Oh hell I am getting all shaky lipped now writing this.

So there is a spot in my head/heart, whatever, where I keep special things and people. These things are foundation things. Things I build other things on top of. I don't want to say like Basement as much as I want to say Corner Stone.

For example. My father in my memories that I keep in the corner stone, was a good man. He was kind, and he was fun, and he was interested in me. I know this cause I had felt it. So it went in there and after he died I kept it there. I needed it. It helped me through alot of stuff. My brother Joe is a good man whom I love very much. I don't tell him enough and I know that. But I keep that in there. I have many memories of talking with Joe and one stands out as the day I really felt like a man. The day I knew I had gone past the mark that I felt was holding me down.  And that's for me you know. I can talk to Joe about it, but to be honest in my head he doesn't want to know it. He knows he doesn't really need to know it.

If it makes you feel good to know that you were part of that instance in my life where I moved forward then you should. You made a big difference. Most of my family is in there. There is a whole wing of the cornerstone dedicated to Berta. The B wing is vast indeed.  But everyone is in there and noone get pissed that I am not going out of the way to talk about yours. I'm not slighting anyone. Just gettnig on with the point.

Uncle Dennis was right there with Dad. Side by side. I didn't know my dads other family from his generation other than Uncle Dennis. But Dennis was part of my integrity stone. I would think about the ways of doing something, and I would go back and look at his little house in my mind, and I still do. I see that little house and I know I need to do things the right way. When I was a kid it was a mansion! A castle. A place I could count on to be there no matter if the mountains fell down around it. I have spent enough time in that house to know that I would rather set myself on fire than not feel comfortable in it. And I just couldn't feel right there if I thought I wasn't trying to be a good person. And I admit, during the few visits back when I was a teenager, I wasn't comfortable there. I was scared. Scared he would know what a little shit I was and have my ass hangin from the rafter by my belt loops.

He as I knew and remember him, has always been a good person. Stern? Yes. A little gruff sometimes? Yes. But he was a good person and I have worried over the years that if I talked with him one on one I wouldn't have his respect. Because I spend so much time not knowing what I believe. But I never let that push me to say I believe in something I really don't. Cause that would be worse. And at least right now I know I could be comfortable in that little house.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense to you. And honestly I don't care. It makes sense to me and I needed to put it down. Needed to let it out. I never really talked to him in years. I took the boys to see him. That was important.

I have to drive past there again this year probably without stopping. Though I really want to. Maybe I'll just add another day so I can stop there. I need to see my Dads grave again, and I need to his, and I need to see Andrews. I need to touch them.

Sheesh. I think that covers it. I feel a bit drained now.

 I'm selling the house.  It's too much. My budget is too tight and I spend almost 2 hours a day driving. It's not worth it.

There is nothing keeping me on the beach and my life for the most part is happening 40 minutes away on the other side of town. So I am going back to apartment life. Gonna save for a couple years and see what changes.

I am registering for online college. Art institute of Pittsburhg, AKA Art Institute online. BA in Game art and design. Basicly to CLEP as many classes as I can based off experiance. So that's cool. Terrifying and cool.

The boys are doing good. Little hiccups here and there but for the most part our routine is not killing them.

Things are going well with Krisitna. It's hard to just start blabbing about it, but hell, I can be pretty honest here. It's my space. She is awesome. And I hope that I get to keep seeing her. We are dating. And it is going really nicely. The boys are not freaked, and I am not freaked and she is not freaked. I'd like to spend more time with her but life is all up on us. She has things she has to do and I have things I have to do and when we get to hang out it is usually very chill, and just laid back talking and laughing. She is a very kind woman. And very smart. And very funny and silly. And I appreciate her personality. She has a similar outlook on things so she generaly tries to be happy and jokey even when her day has completley sucked. And that's awesome. I really can appreciate that. It takes effort and any attempt to downplay it would be insulting to the character of the person who tries to live happy.

BUT, I am outa here for now. Sorry I haven't called Nichole. At this point if I am not asleep or taking care of the day I am on the phone with Kristina. lol. But again, I will try!

Love you guys!